Goblin Naming
by WorldInvent
Summary: as the official Goblin Namer I felt it my duty to educate all such creatures who would have the patience to understand goblins. here we shall discuss the naming process.


First let me make some things quite clear before I go into this sorted description of a little goblin.

As a voluntary protector of the Labyrinth, certain tasks have been assigned to me. My most important task, aside from the daily patrols around the far gate, is the Naming of Goblins. My assignment is probably far different from other protectors, as I don't see how it would be useful to be giving goblin's more than one name. I believe that they would find themselves terribly confused, one minute someone yelling at them, "Get out of the turnips Squeaker!" only to then to hear, "Bring back my underwear Agnes!" This confusion would probably lead to the goblin finding your best pillow and blowing his nose all over it. Not a pretty sight, I can attest, not to mention the smell. Goblin snot is quite ghastly.

As to naming itself, it can take a minute or years to give a goblin a proper name. I spend a good deal of time listening, watching, and smelling the goblin beforehand. The human with whom the goblin has taken residency also bears strongly on the naming. Goblins take up with their human based on very particular criteria. I don't understand the criteria at all- every time I request a document explaining their decision making process, the paper I receive has been thoroughly marked with red ink and will smell pungently of stinky cheese (not like blue cheese or feta, mind, but something far worse. It will actually smell of Flabberghust, which I am told is a delicacy among goblins, but quite the gag inducer among humans). The smell compels me to throw the document out before I can even read it.

Anyhow, I have picked out a goblin and an owner to give an account of the naming process. My good friend KL recently asked me if she had a goblin. I think it was more of the fact that she wanted goblin, more than anything else, but it was her good fortune that indeed she did have one. Immediately she asked, what was its name? What does it do? Boy or girl? Of course my initial reply was, "How should I know? It's your goblin!" Then I realized that her goblin was un-named. The poor thing had been living unattached to any human and had been frequently over looked in the Goblin Court, thus going without a name (at this point some of you may be wondering- "well, why didn't its parents give it a name?" Goblin parents do not name their off spring; it is actually forbidden by law. If it were to be allowed there would be millions of goblins running around with names that began with Rotten-followed-by-a-fruite-or-vegetable. Though the King of the Goblins could care less what exactly his subjects' names are, he realizes that it would be in very bad taste to have all his subjects be "rotten").

I explained her goblin was un-named, and agreed to spend time with the goblin in order to fix the problem.

After two days of deliberation and several cups of coffee, followed by an episode of Star Trek, her goblin was named. Now KL, here is your goblins personal info:

Name: Dink (pronounced as the word "ink" with the letter D).  
Gender: Male  
Marital Status: single  
Height: roughly one and a half feet tall (feet as in inches and centimeters, not literal feet).  
Weight: varies depending on what he has just consumed.  
Human's name: KL  
Together at work or home: mostly home. Will travel on occasion.  
Responsible for: responsible for constant mess in down stairs living room. He will flatten the sofa pillows, scatter unfolded laundry, and put that piece of Lego exactly where your foot will next step.  
Resting Place: prefers dusty corners, usually in high places.  
Favorite food: any sort of crumbs left on the kitchen counter, floor, or stove top.

Treat him well and he will do his responsibilities. Treat him bad, say by not leaving any crumbs, and he will turn quite nasty. There is an old saying in the Underground, "The Bog hath no stench like a spurned goblin."


End file.
